|
|
|
|
Kesher is the bi-monthly magazine of the Auckland Hebrew Congregation. This glossy publication includes just about everything you need to know about what is going on in the community.
If you wish to receive this publication, please contact the office
Below is a recently featured article.
Rabbi Lawrence interviews Diane Levy
For years, members of the community have been calling up Diane Levy for advice about their toddlers who torment them at night or their teens who torment them by day. Now Diane is closer than that phone call. She's on your bookshelf!
Diane explains, "A baby is a short person with no discipline at either end!" and the book is about "the twenty year project of raising a child from baby to independent adult."
There are two key targets: Children should become emotionally independent adults - meaning that they can handle they should grow up with a full range of emotions. "Of course I love you!" - parents must provide emotional support.
"Now go to your room!" It is essential to set the limits, so that our children will learn to behave appropriately.
It is about good parents and parenting. Diane says that a good parent recognises that children follow us as role models. We must lead the lives that we would like them to emulate. "You can gently nudge children in a good pro-social direction to help them fit into the world. You don't need to change who they are."
Is Diane a good parent?
"I'm a practicing parent - I'm getting better at it all the time."
"She's more tolerant and patient than I am", comments Vernon from the sidelines.
"The nicest end point in parenting is to end up with the sort of relationship where your child will come back to you for advice and company."
"The most important thing we can do as parents is to raise our children to be pleasant people. The benefit is that if our children are pleasant, we'll want to spend more time with them."
Rob (30), Tanya (29) and Deb (17) all feature in the book, which Diane describes as "a good, interesting read about family life." Tanya is in Israel and Rob in England. Diane assures me that this isn't a flight from the crucible! Indeed, as everyone who knows the family can attest, all three are exceptionally pleasant, the kind of people you would want to spend time with - all independent and Jewishly committed.
It is not just a book for parents with problems. "It is for all parents - grandparents and teachers will enjoy it, too"
Diane says, "It is not just an advice book with rules. I make very few rules apart from the obvious ones.
"But it is revolutionary! Most parenting books - and most parents struggle with this advice - recommend strategies of praise and punishment. Diane says, "Praise and punishment are artificial devices for influencing children to behave differently. We end up doing all the work to devise new strategies to overcome their resistance." In place of praise and punishment, Diane advocates, emotional support, limit setting and the careful use of emotional distance. Children need to learn to tolerate frustrations and get on with what needs to be done."
Diane notes that parenting has become harder. "It is more difficult now than 40 years ago - or even 10... We live in an increasingly violent, lawless and anarchic society. When we try to parent, we no longer have the backing of the state, church or police. Now we must do it all ourselves. When my generation acted up at school, our parents would support the school and tell us that we shouldn't be badly behaved at school any more than at home. Now, we tend to excuse bad behaviour out of some sort of guilt about emotional deprivation.
"One of the most ludicrous things is to say, 'That's attention seeking behaviour.' Most children get more than enough attention. We end up breaking our necks trying to resolve simple problems like 'I don't want to do... don't want to put... don't want to tidy... We get too worried that we will damage their fragile little egos and we become too scared to set limits on inappropriate behaviour."
Diane's work has been very influenced by the work and experience of Jean Liedloff, in her book, "The Continuum Concept. Liedloff spent several years living with the Yequana Indians, a stone-age tribe in the South American Jungle. The babies didn't cry and they had extremely obedient and independent children. "As I read her description" of how their children were raised, I switched off the idea that praise and punishment were the best ways to modify behaviour. We should intervene less and care more."
Of Course I Love You - Now Go To Your Room is a great read; enjoyable, humorous & anecdotal. It begins with a lab-rat and ends with Diane's children. Do we see our own kids like lab rats - running them through the maze of life, punishing them when they take wrong turns and rewarding a successful outcome? Surely it is far better to walk them through rich experiences and guide their paths so that they grow into pleasant children and enjoyable companions.
Of Course I Love You - Now Go To Your Room is published by Random House and available in all good bookshops.
Autographed copies of Of Course I Love You - Now Go To Your Room are in the shul shop and directly from Diane on 575 6762.