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It happened one day that G-d decided he had finally despaired of all of creation. His world had failed Him. His creatures had failed Him. He had wanted to show love - and needed something to love - so he had made a world and made man. Ahh - those were the days...
But now He looked upon His universe and saw that He had engineered evil and hatred. It was time to call time.
It would be a flood - like before. But this time, no survivors. Humankind would vanish beneath the waves - lost like Atlantis.
G-d resolved that He would give people - and there were some decent people, the chance to save their souls, if nothing else - so he sent angels down to a number of world leaders and invited them to break the news to their citizens that they had ten days to ready themselves for destruction. It was time to make amends... to repent... to atone.
Armageddon was welcomed by the Bible Belt. For too long they had thought that G-d had been soft on sinners. Drowning had an almost biblical ring... They were sure that good folk around them would go right to heaven. That was the will of G-d.
The President of the United States was assured that he could fly around in Air Force One for at most a couple of days or commandeer a submarine and survive perhaps 3 months - but he recognised the awesome responsibility that now fell on his shoulders. His speech to the television cameras of the world would be the biggest media event of all time. Until the flood. After which not much would matter.
And so, he repented a life of selfish indulgence, the insider dealing and enterprise for personal gain. He would go down - quite literally - as the man who called for charity. Give it away! As the star-spangled banner played and the stars and stripes fluttered behind him, he instructed the populace: "Don't set your stock on empty possessions - on having more than the next man. Give it away. Help others. Support the charities. Keep no more than you need. Extend a hand to the poor." With a flourish, he cancelled all the arms contracts and wrote off the debt of the world's poorest countries. Grain silos were emptied and their contents shipped to the famine zones. Stockpiles of medical supplies distributed to the sick and malnourished.
Traditional marshal music and Red flags set the scene. But the Presidents of the Communist Regimes recognised that the world would be covered in blue and not red. The Peoples' struggle was lost. And worse. G-d had existed all along.
What to do with the 10 days? The shops for Party Officials were opened to the masses. Rationing was over. People were free to take what they wanted. "For years we have encouraged suffering and abstinence in the name of the cause. You have marched to the totalitarian drum. You have lost your individuality to make a better collective. Now - for ten days - stop suffering. Be happy. Do what you want. Get drunk, dance, listen to music. Be warm."
The angel charged with appointing the spokesman to the Jewish world discovered immediately that everyone was a President and all wanted to speak. The Israeli Rabbinate saw the unique opportunity to arrange solidarity missions to the Diaspora. Flights were immediately overbooked by Israelis seeking to pick up duty free cigarettes and booze.
Meanwhile the international Committee of Presidents, Executives, Machers and Noch-schleppers convened a special conference to nominate a spokesperson. Before it had even opened, the Machers almost walked out over the "who is a noch-schlepper?" issue.
Eventually, thank G-d - Yanki Finkelstein (of Finkelstein's Bagel Emporium) was chosen by lottery to give the Keynote address to the Jewish world.
He mounted the rostrum. The klezmer quartet was silenced.
"Jews of the world," said Yanki, "We have just 10 days to learn to live underwater."
Often we make the mistake of thinking that Rosh Hashana is all about reward and punishment, and that the 10 days of Tshuva - the ten days of penitence are exclusively about sin and forgiveness, about right and wrong.
For sure, we learn that this period is an auspicious time to repent - and to right the wrongs of the past. We have a very specific vocabulary.
All of these are necessary steps to Tshuva - but they are far from the whole story.
Tshuva is more than repentance. It is more than repairing the damage or the hurt. It is more than regret. "I'm sorry, I won't do that again." Tshuva is more than returning to the status quo ante. The Talmud, the Midrashim and the whole weight of Jewish literature imbue Tshuva with a mystical quality.
We are told that "Tshuva was created before the world - for without it the universe would not survive."
We are told that the place of a true Baal Tshuva is a plateau higher than that of the Cohen Gadol, the High Priest, who enters the Holy of Holies.
We are told that Tshuva transcends Torah and that through Tshuva an individual who was loathsome and despised and rejected by G-d yesterday evening is beloved and welcomed and accepted as a friend immediately upon his return.
Tshuva is special.
In the normal way of things, if I smash into your car or I punch you in the nose, if I hurt you or offend you - be it an accident or be it deliberate - once I apologise, you remain a little wary. You will be cautious. It might be take a while to completely bury the hatchet. I am certainly not your instant best buddy.
Of Tshuva we are Maimonides teaches that the process confers immediate best friend status. In its strange and special way, Tshuva enables us to attain a level that was inaccessible before we had offended.
Strange, but true....
Step back with me for a moment into the Twilight Zone - let us take a trip together to the dawn of our time and the creation of man on Rosh Hashana 5763 years ago.
We are taught that Rosh Hashana is the anniversary of the creation of mankind. If you look at the Torah Readings and Haftoras of Rosh Hashana - you will indeed see that a dominant theme is birth, bringing forth life, the love, tears and fears of parents, creators of their children.
The "who shall live and who shall die" prayers of Rosh Hashana are a minority. They are much later additions to the Machzor. They are a dominant theme of Yom Kippur, when we beat our breasts and atone for a lexicon of iniquity. Really, Rosh Hashana is about Ha-Melech - G-d, the King, not G-d the Judge.
On Rosh Hashana, we acknowledge G-d as Creator & King. We celebrate our being in His Universe.
The language of creation is very special. The Torah says of the creation of Man. "Vayomer Elokim - Na-aseh adam betzelmaynu" And the Lord said "Let us make man in our image."
And then "Vayivra Elokim et ha-adam betzalmo", G-d created man in his image. "Betzelem Elokim Bara Oto" - in the image of G-d, He created him.
The words are very famous - but they beg some questions. Understanding them is very important.
What does it mean - "Let us make man!".
G-d is alone.
Who is the Us?
Who is G-d's un-named partner in creation?
As explained by the late Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik, the "us" of "let us make man" is one part G-d - and one part that clay or earth or dust that G-d used for the making of man. "Betzelmaynu" means, not in "Our image", but "in our images."
It's the recipe - we are one part spirit, one part dust.
The later line goes on to confirm it.
Normally we read "Vayivra Elokim et ha-adam betzalmo" G-d created man in his image. His image - with a capital H. "Betzelem Elokim Bara Oto" - in the image of G-d, He created him. But if that is the case - and we already know that G-d created man in His - G-d's image - why tell us again "Betzelem Elokim Bara Oto?" - Just the latter expression would suffice.
It is explained -
"Vayivra Elokim et ha-adam betzalmo" - G-d created man in man's image. Each individual according to his own earthy form.
"Betzelem Elokim Bara Oto" G-d created man in G-d's image, too.
And of this creation "Zachar u-nekeva bara otam." The Divine image houses both male and female identities.
One part matter and one part G-d.
Rosh Hashana is the celebration of that union - that communion. That we have any place in the world at all is thanks to G-d - our creator, landlord and king. Our designated role in the Universe is to bridge the physical and profane world of matter - and through our interaction, to make it holy and dedicate it to G-d.
Rav Kook - the first Chief Rabbi of Israel and the spiritual leader of the Bnei Akiva world explained. What is profane? That which has not yet been made holy. It is for us to elevate our surroundings.
For the best part of the year, our primary interaction is with the outside world. For the best part of the year, we should focus on raising the Kedusha of our environment. But on Rosh Hashana, our task is internal. It is the pairing and the re-pairing of the two parts of our form.
Our task is the recognition that we are motivated by very spiritual drives and ones that are more mundane. And one stage further...
Where am I? I know that this time of year is special. I know that I'm supposed to look into my heart and my soul and do some spiritual reckoning. I know that part of me is inclined to be good - but a bit of me's a devil... Oh yes!
I could simply let each drive do its own thing. A part of me goes to shul on Shabbat and a part of me mugs little old ladies in Myers Park. The shul part is fully spiritual and in control up here. The profane dominates outside. While I am downstairs, little goody-2-shoes Lawrence lies dormant - and I mug away. When I am here, I repent and repent - oh - how I repent. Till I step back outside...
That, clearly is not the goal.
The goal is to harness the two and empower the holy to influence the profane.
The humdrum deeds of our daily existence must become spiritual deeds.
So when next I mug a little old lady - I will ask myself - "What is the correct bracha for this transgression!"
In fact the paradigm case is a wonderful piece of counter-intuitive Jewish logic.
Let me ask you - is it better to give Tzeddaka because you see a destitute guy living in a cardboard box under a bridge and feel sorry for him. You have the opportunity to make his life better and take it - or because you see the same guy and think - "Here's the chance to do a mitzvah. G-d has ordered me to give him money."
The Jewish answer is, in fact the latter. The Talmud teaches that it is better to give in response to the mitzvah than to listen to the voice of compassion within. It is better to respond to the mitzvah - the command.
The compassion is not wrong - on the contrary - it is meritorious and good. But looking at the situation "Here's a chance for me to do what I can do" - without addressing the question "is this also an opportunity to bring G-d into the world?" is to act with only part of ourselves - and to miss a spiritual opportunity.
To act with only part of ourselves is to miss a spiritual opportunity.
Before I'm misunderstood - let me caution that to live exclusively in the world of the spiritual and to ignore the real - is no less a failure.
On Rosh Hashana, we try to make ourselves whole - we try to unify our being - welcoming G-d as King into his world - and welcoming the influence of the godly part of us over our worldly existence.
In just a moment we shall sound the Shofar. It is a symbolic cry - a call from G-d to us "Repent. Return. Draw near." It is also the cry from us to G-d. "Our Father, Our King - show us the way."
Jews of the world... You have 10 days... Ten Days...
Without any doubt - each of us can name an area of Jewish living where we have fallen short - and where we can make a tangible improvement - be it Kashrut, Shabbat, Speaking Lashon Hara, enough time spent in learning and prayer. Being more friendly, being more warm, more welcoming, more aware, more polite...
Each of us must battle our Yetzer Hara to address these - ideally these 10 days - before Yom Kippur.
But Rosh Hashana, today, is also about the Tshuva with no sins attached.
The chance to do, even as we did before - but in a less habitual and more spiritual way. To be less mechanical in our deeds and more conscious of bringing G-d into the world.
As we listen to the Shofar - to each of its blasts - recognise that this shul is filled with volume - it is changed and given a spiritual dimension by channelling just a little physical effort into something that looks so very empty. A little breath through the hollow of a horn.
But how this room is changed. What a perfect metaphor...
A little spirituality brought back into our daily lives can truly change this world.
Friends - We won't need to learn to live underwater. We'll be flying!